7.12.06

The Contest

JERRY
What's the matter?


GEORGE
My mother caught me.


JERRY
"Caught" you? Doing what?


GEORGE
You know. I was alone..


ELAINE
You mean..?!


GEORGE
Uh-huh.
KRAMER
(Laughing) She caught you?


JERRY:
Where?


GEORGE:
I stopped by the house to drop the car off,
and I went inside for a few minutes..
Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working.
My mother had a Glamour magazine,
I started leafing through it..


JERRY
"Glamour"?


GEORGE
So, one thing lead to another..


JERRY
So, what did she do?


GEORGE
First she screams,
"George, what are you doing?! My God!"
And it looked like she was gonna faint -
she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.
I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling,
or zip up.


JERRY
What did you do?


GEORGE
I zipped up!


ELAINE
So, she fell?


GEORGE
Yeah. Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!
So, she fell, and then she started screaming,
"My back! My back!"
So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.


ELAINE
How is she?


GEORGE
She's in traction.


ELAINE
Ok, I'm sorry.


GEORGE
It's not funny, Elaine.


ELAINE
(Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'
m serious.

GEORGE
Her back went out.
She's gotta be there for a couple of days.

All she said on the way over in the car was,
"Why, George, why?!"..

I said, "Because it's there!"
Well, I'll tell you this, though -
I am never doing.. that , again.


ELAINE
What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?


GEORGE
All together.


ELAINE
Oh, gimme a break..


JERRY
Ohhh yeah.. right.


KRAMER
Oh, like you're gonna stop?


JERRY AND ELAINE
C'mon..


GEORGE
You don't think I can?


JERRY
No chance.


GEORGE
(Daring) You think you could?


JERRY
Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.


GEORGE
Care to make it interesting?


JERRY
Sure, how much?


GEORGE
A hundred dollars.


JERRY

You're on.


KRAMER
Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this.


JERRY
You?
You'll be out before we get the check.


ELAINE
I want to be in on this, too.


GEORGE AND JERRY
Ohh, no. No, no, no..


ELAINE
Why?


JERRY

It's apples and oranges..


ELAINE
What? Why?


JERRY
Because you're a woman!


ELAINE
So what?


JERRY
It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.


ELAINE
(Sarcastic) Oh.


JERRY
We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle.

It's like, uh.. shaving.


ELAINE
Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs.


KRAMER
(Making a point) Not everyday.